Listening
peoplerelationshipsThe ability to truly listen to people is one of the most underrated skills a person can have. Yes, listening is a skill. Especially in today’s world where everyone is always rushing around as well as trying to be heard above both the figurative and literal noise of today’s society, it can be incredibly hard to stop and really listen. Next time you’re having a conversation with someone pause, or even right now, call someone and talk to them on the phone as a test. How often are you really listening to every word they say, chewing it over in your brain, and then really responding as opposed to your mind drifting off about random things or preparing the next thing that you want to say? Weird, right? Probably something you haven’t thought about much or ever. I know I hadn’t until I started reading about how to have better conversations.
I’m still not good at it. I catch myself all the time thinking about other things or thinking of what I’m going to say next instead of listening and responding afterward, and then if the person asks me a question I’m caught off guard and have to react rather than respond because I haven’t fully digested what it is they were saying.
It might be awkward at first #
The other thing is, if you’re like me, you’re going to find it awkward to be putting effort into listening. When you actually force yourself to focus on each word coming out of someone’s mouth, it’s weird, especially at first. For me, at first, it actually felt like I was listening to them even less than I was before because I was trying so hard to not think about anything else and to listen. I felt like I was listening so hard that I could only think about one word at a time as it was coming out of their mouth.
As I said earlier, I’m still learning how to do this as well, so, unfortunately, you’re going to have find some experts to tell you the best ways to listen better, but I think I’ve covered the general topic.
Eye Contact #
One thing I haven’t mentioned is, make eye contact. You don’t have to be a creep and not blink or stare at them the entire time, but don’t be afraid to make eye contact. It’s an important part of human connection and helps to let the other person know you are honestly paying attention to what they are saying.
Practice makes the tough times easier #
Something else to consider is that when emotions are running high, such as during an argument or spirited debate, truly listening becomes exponentially harder, which is why it is so important to practice as often as possible outside of the intense conversations. The more you practice and study the art of truly or active listening the more likely you are to reap the benefits when it really matters, similar to any other skill.
Silence is golden, not evil #
Another important piece of listening and conversing to learn and understand is that silence is not evil. I feel that people are so quick to fill the silence because they think it’s awkward. Other people think if the response isn’t immediate that they are being rude, and on a similar note others thing if you do not respond immediately, it is because you are not listening. When in fact, if you’re doing everything right, it’s the exact opposite in that you’ve probably listened to them more intently than anyone else ever has. The point is, it’s okay to not immediately react when someone asks you a question or expects a response. It is okay to contemplate what they have actually said, to slow down and mull it over, and this too is very awkward and hard to get used to at first. People will think it is weird and will often ask you things like “are you listening?”, “Hello, did you hear me?”, if you’re on the phone they may say, “are you still there?”. Simply respond with a polite “Yes. I’m just thinking”, and they’ll usually give you some time to come up with a well thought out response.
In Conclusion #
You don’t need to do this all the time, obviously, but the point is, we should be doing it much, much more often than we do. The other reason it is good to practice the art of active listening as much as possible is it can be hard to tease out every situation where it would matter. Sometimes someone is having a really bad day, and to you, it may seem like a completely mundane conversation, but to them, you’re the 5th person who has only half-heartedly listened to them today and they’re doing everything they can to keep it together because their mother is in the hospital. You just never know when it could make someone’s day.